


When The Fire Dies Down

by Kid_Quo_Pro



Category: Gravity Falls, Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Bill Cipher is a Jerk, Coping, Corrupted Steven Universe, Crossover, Everyone Needs Therapy, F/F, F/M, Manipulation, Post-Canon, Post-Gravity Falls, Post-Steven Universe Future, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Protective Stan Pines, References to Depression, Steven Universe Has PTSD - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Summer Vacation, Supportive Mabel Pines, Therapy, Trans Dipper Pines, well some angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:14:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24902158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kid_Quo_Pro/pseuds/Kid_Quo_Pro
Summary: Steven leaves home to figure out who he is beyond Beach City. Unfortunately for him, he has no idea who that could be. Driving aimlessly, he happens upon Gravity Falls, which could be key to finally figuring himself out. At least, he hopes so, since it feels like his only option. Could the Pines family help him through this? Or does Bill hold Steven's true path for discovery?
Relationships: Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe), Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 24
Kudos: 162





	1. A New Cassette

A new cassette held all the potential in the world. Greg had found his life in a single song - it was all Steven could think to do in order to find a new guiding principle. He couldn’t be just a Crystal Gem when that was all he had ever known, he couldn’t be ‘Mr. Universe’ like his father, and he couldn’t become Mr Maheswaran simply to cling onto some sense of security with Connie. This was his own path to find, with a future of his own awaiting him.

It might help, however, if he had some idea of what that could be. Hell, he would settle for even a ‘where’, for a little direction in where to start looking. 

His eyes hopelessly scanned across the newest mixtape of random songs. The Spook School, Days N Daze, Ezra Furman, The Regrettes... He might like some of the songs, but nothing had changed him like he’d hoped. He kept searching for that lightning strike of “This is it. This is Steven Universe.” Discovering one’s identity was proving a little more difficult than anticipated, but nevertheless, he would continue. There’s always tomorrow.

The car in front held a tatty bumper sticker on the far right, looking thoroughly miserable at all the shit it had seen. Perhaps once it had hoped to travel, but that dream had clearly died in what looked like a mixture of fire, some sort of apocalypse, and likely being keyed. With little else to do, Steven stared at the sticker until he could make out the words on it. ‘What is the Mystery Shack?’

♦♦♦

“It’s not like I’ve had any other inspiration”, Steven reasoned to himself. “Maybe Gravity Falls has some clue to who Steven Universe could be.” 

His car juddered through the woodlands, Spook School singing softly in the background. The shade of the trees coated the ground in delicious shade, housing mushrooms and greenery and all sorts of creatures. Some of which, Steven was certainly not expecting. Surely of anywhere, a place such as this could inspire a person. Somewhere so tranquil must be the ideal spot for not just finding yourself, but creating yourself. Here, Steven did not have to be a gem, least of all one who had been in the mountainous shadow of Pink Diamond. He could just be another face in the crowd. At least for a day. 

If Steven had turned around while driving, he may have noticed that, upon entering Gravity Falls, a vague shimmer fell across where he had passed. It almost looked like a bubble, fragile yet aesthetically perfect - without a blemish or a flaw. A simple dome, flickering in the light, with a radiant sort of flawlessness. If only its beauty were not lessened by its existence of imprisonment. Steven did not bear witness to this. Steven did not turn around. 

Upon entering the town, Steven felt at home. There was an odd simplicity to the place that pulled on his heart, making him almost jealous. The mere idea of living a life of normalcy, where your face could be anonymous in a crowd, where you could stop and laugh and live as just a teen, was a painful idea. That wasn’t to say he didn’t adore his family, and his therapist was certainly helping with all those overwhelming, drowning emotions. Even with the support system, sometimes the hurt still reared its head, and would wail with hopelessness. It was this safety he had craved, but that wasn’t his identity. He was more than his want for security. Even if he was yet to find out what this ‘more’ was. 

The woodlands shrouded Steven, sensing his fear and enveloping him like a child woken from a nightmare. He quickly grounded himself; five things he could see (a nervous squirrel above him, eye-like patterns on the trees, his own familiar footprints, another set of prints that distinctly appeared to be trotters, neon arrows pointing ahead), four things he could hear (running water, the hum of an old coach, children’s cheerful conversations, the scittering noises from what Steven presumed were small creatures), three things he could touch (the mossy bough above him, his backpack pressing up against the small of his spine, the familiar tension of a hairband around his wrist), two things he could smell (one of pearl’s favourite words - petrichor, with the faint greasy scents of fried food), one thing he could taste (the last of the snacks Connie had given him for this trip).

It was going to be okay, this was a new place and a new day. The light fell on to a dilapidated sign, the ‘S’ hanging on just barely by what Steven facetiously assumed was some arcane source. Time to find out who ‘Steven Universe’ really was. Starting with the Mystery Shack.

TIG EILOUVRXR

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started this fic by writing Chapter 5, so I wrote the first chapter a while afterwards while chatting to a cute girl at 2am. Which may somewhat explain how overdramatic my little lesbian heart was feeling in parts. Moreover, did I reference a bunch of bands I like to give Steven vibes? Absolutely. If you've read this, you should totally check out some of their songs! I'd especially recommend One Day I Will Sin No More by Ezra Furman because it makes me go crazy emotional. Thanks for reading, I will update when I can!


	2. Confidants and Confinement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven finds two new faces on his journey. The twins show Steven a little of their town, and Steven discovers more about it by himself.

Okay, so maybe finding himself in the Mystery Shack was a _little_ optimistic. But hey, it was fun enough. A vaguely grotesque taxidermied seal dressed in a Scrooge McDuck fashion leered at Steven in response to his bemusement, accompanied with a lopsided sign of “The Sell-kie! Photograph: $25”. Even better, the Sockatrice - a live chicken that was wandering about with a sock on its head, which was apparently the ‘scourge of the northwest’. It’s not like this was fruitless either, since Steven was feeling somewhat desperate for a break. I mean, there’s only so many times you can answer “So, what’s going on in your life, Steven?” when you have to be hopeful to your therapist when nothing. Ever. Changes. Or at least, not yet, he reminded himself.

With those thoughts on the mind, it was no wonder he didn’t notice the young girl swinging from the ceiling.

“Heya!”, a voice cheered from above him. Her legs were wrapped around the rafters in a precarious fashion, waving a grappling hook like a weapon in her fist.

“Uh - hey, kid?”, Steven replied, nonplussed. So far he’d only met people briefly on the road, a smile or a favour here and there. As of such, he was yet to meet someone from a ceiling position. Steven felt a cautious tapping on his shoulder, with a similar looking person standing behind him.

“I’m Dipper, the girl above you is my sister, Mabel. Are you new in town?”

“Yeah, yeah. My name’s Steven, I’m just… Sightseeing here, I guess. Are you guys tourists too?”

Before Dipper could reply, a surprised yelp rattled out from above. Scarcely thinking, Steven stretched out his arms, catching Mabel in a Simba-like position. She grinned impishly before spreading her arms wide as a declaration and claiming Steven was ‘her true hero’.

“Really Mabel? I _told_ you a person couldn’t stay upside down all day.”

“Maybe not, Dipdop, but Grunkle Ford says that Mothman can, AND Grunkle Stan said I can be an impressively tenacious brat when I want to be, ergo I could beat Mothman out of sheer spite.”

“Right.” Dipper looked semi-defeated. “So, nah, me and Mabel spend summers here, ‘cus that’s when our great uncles come back from travelling. You could hang with us while you’re in town if you want? We know more about this town than like, anyone. Depending on how long you’re staying, that is.”

Steven rubbed his wrist with uncertainty. It’s not like he had much of a plan for this. The other towns he had stopped in had mostly been for gas instead of company, since he was still working on the whole ‘human interactions’ aspect. Last town he had stayed at for a little longer than planned, someone saw his diamond and suddenly it was ‘there’s a freaky hippy/cult member in our little town, how horrifying’, which prompted a very stressful session with his therapist, Beatrice. It’s not like his human interactions were going to get any better by avoiding them, and Bea had recommended he figure out how to connect to his 'human heart'.

“I’ve got no plans”, Steven said with a casual shrug. Mabel beamed.

♦♦♦

“So, Stevo”, said Mabel, “how old are you?”

Dipper glared at Mabel’s flirtatious intentions, which Mabel mock-scowled at in reply.

“I’m seventeen, I’ve just been travelling on my own for like a month, it’s been pretty cool.”

“Hey, we’re teenagers too!”

“Wait, you’re on your own?” The younger boy chewed his lip anxiously. “Is everything okay? Are you safe? Are you like, on the run? Do you need help?” His breathing increased stressfully.

Steven reassured Dipper to the best of his abilities, albeit a little awkwardly.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m on my own, but I’m fine. I've been on the run before but I was just a kid, it's no biggie. But this time I left home to do some travelling because my family can be a little overprotective, but it’s all good!”

“Well, if you need to talk about anything, me and Dipper are awesome listeners. Dipper told me everything he was planning to DM for Ford on the way here and I listened the whole time. It helped that he’s including owlbears though, since they are just the cutest things. But point is, we’re here for you, all right?”

It felt nice to have some company, even if it felt like Mabel had kind of speedrun their friendship straight into adopting Steven as a pseudo-sibling. The supportive words lapsed into the everyday sounds of bickering soon enough, in a sweet-natured way. He could just stare ahead and have their words turn to background noise. The woodlands reminded him of being on the island with Lars and Sadie, or- or Centi’s ship… A shudder ran through Steven, and Dipper put a hand on his back to ground him.

“We’re almost there, it’s cool.”

‘Almost there’ turned out to be the foot of a water tower, with a muffin inexplicably painted on the side. Steven grabbed the first wrung of the ladder and began to climb.

When reaching the top, they could see for miles around. The town hall, a blue, highly glittery tent, and, directly below them in the direction of the town, a man who seemed to be having an oddly intense discussion with the bird sat atop his shoulder. He could see why the twins seemed so besotted with life here. Mabel reached into her frog-shaped satchel, and pulled out three cans of spray paint. “Wanna get decorating?”

Dipper and Steven took a little bit of convincing, but Mabel got there in the end. Dipper painted the ‘Fight Fighters’ logo (Steven recognised it fondly from the Funland arcade back home, Onion was a _master_ ). Steven painted a closed-up rose, using a mixture of reds and pinks that Mabel provided. Mabel herself painted what could be considered a veritable masterpiece - a work that psychedelic van paintings could only aspire to of a rainbow puppy with kitten faces for eyes. They all stopped to compliment each other’s work.

As the sun wearily fell for another day and the rosy-fingered sunset began, Steven returned to staring across the town. His eyes caught on a shimmering. A round shape began to almost glow in the light, encapsulating the area. The sight of it made him anxious.

“What’s up with the bubble?”, Steven asked.

“It’s just...” Dipper looked slightly over Steven’s shoulder, staring resolutely at the town behind him. “It’s a trick of the light, Gravity Falls is known for it.”

The nervous way in which Dipper replied put Steven on edge.

“Alright, well, I should probably sort some stuff out. I’ll see you guys around, okay?” He smiled at Mabel and Dipper as he started to make his way down the ladder, his heart hammering in his ears. If he had listened more closely, he might have made out Mabel and Dipper’s conversation from above.

“Dipper! What was that?”

“Right? I mean, as soon as he sees the field he disappears? That strikes me as -”

“No, what was up with you? You didn’t need to lie to him, he’s our friend!”

“We just met him Mabel! You don’t know him! Him disappearing like that doesn’t strike you as odd?”

♦♦♦

Steven got into his car and made his way to the border. Dipper could have been telling the truth, he could have just seemed odd because of the lack of eye contact, but that could be explained through a number of ways. His autistic friends had told him they often found eye contact difficult, or the kid could just be stressed around new people, or he could have just been looking at the shimmering himself. Nothing Dipper did was _necessarily_ suspicious.

Arriving at the border, Steven got out his car and ran up to where the light shined. He walked forwards with his hands outstretched. They stopped at the immovable force. He pushed harder. Nothing. He turned Pink, using that strength he could tap into. Nothing. He was trapped in this random town, and he didn’t know why. And god, what if now he was trapped everyone would know? He would be back to being too conspicuous, all the time, and he couldn’t deal with that overwhelming attention. Not when it had been so much after his breakdown. His therapy was helping, but that didn’t mean he could go back to all that just yet. Especially in this new town.

With all these thoughts swirling in his head like a whirlpool, it took a second for Steven to hear the scurrying noise at his feet. A miniscule man, about the size of Steven’s shin, ran at his feet. He was dressed in blue overalls, with a pointed red hat and a bag of Chaaps between his teeth. Scampering on all fours, it ran ahead of Steven, until it too hit the barrier and fell on its back.

Looks like Steven wasn’t the only unexpected creature trapped here.

**CBPQSY ZYCBB**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I updated later than I'd hoped :/ But now,,,,, Drama settling in. I love Mabel so much, like of course she's gonna flirt but more importantly she will Adopt and Protect and she's just such a lad. And I'm definitely gonna spend more time googling cryptids just to come up with more stupid Mystery Shack attractions... In other news, I got a date with the cute girl I was chatting with last time! So hell ya lmao, hope yall liked reading ♡♡ :)


	3. Trust Grows

An abundance of thoughts dragged Steven down, like the hands of a drowning man doing anything to reach the surface, at the expense of others. Each anxiety rose to the top only to be pushed away and replaced by another. What was stopping Steven from leaving? What was up with this town? Was it a gem related barrier? What did the Pines twins know about this?

Steven stopped at that thought, grasping at the scrunchie on his wrist and fiddling with it as he considered the possibilities. Dipper called it ‘a trick of the light’. The more he thought about it, the more certain it seemed that the young boy was aware of this strange phenomenon, and had lied for… Whatever reason. He ran through a reel of reasons behind Dipper’s strange behaviour - perhaps they too were trapped (“But they said they only stay for the summer”, Steven countered to himself), or they had set this trap for creatures like the small men (for what purpose, Steven was unsure), or someone had told them to lie (“And if so, who?”).

He put his hand against the barrier again, to prove to himself that it was indeed there. He was met with the same immovable response. It felt like another’s hand pressed against his own, a little warm and perfectly matched to his hand. The only clue he had to what was keeping him here was Dipper’s suspicious answer surrounding this cage.

He turned back to his car, and figured if he could sleep just this night, searching for answers without prompting any suspicion would be that much easier. He pushed away thoughts of calling Connie or the gems for comfort. He had a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow, he would fix these problems with the healthy independence he was so carefully nursing. He could get help, but right this second, he could just sleep it off. He definitely wasn’t still impacted by some of his old habits, he was in _therapy_ , he was getting _better_. The desire to do this on his own was nothing like his breakdown back home, he was sure. The guilt of his damaging compulsions plagued him, but he would talk it through tomorrow. For now, the plan extended to simply resting, and then figuring out his situation.

With eye bags that would have exceeded any airport’s weight limit, the next morning Steven rose feeling overwhelmingly tense, and realised he had to face his imprisonment here. Still shaking, heart still hammering in his chest, he made his way back into town.

♦♦♦

Dipper and Mabel took turns explaining the events of the day before to Soos, Melody and their grunkles, paired with alternating looks of jovial, half-hearted despair and utter pride from Ford and Stan respectively.

“Good job, pumpkin.” Stan said appreciatively, patting Mabel on the head as she grinned.

“Stan I appreciate the sentiment and that’s some impressive art but we shouldn’t _encourage_ the kids to commit crimes.”

Before the argument could get any further, Dipper interrupted what was sure to be an enjoyable, albeit repetitive, discussion.

“Hey, Steven!”

The taller boy seemed to shrink into himself at the acknowledgement, already appearing considerably more nervous than before. His face appeared oddly red - Dipper attributed this to the new group of people and hastily introduced them all. Mabel’s rebuttal of the previous day regarding Dipper’s distrustful tendencies had sunk in somewhat.

Mabel bounced over. “Have you sorted out what ya needed to, Stevo?”

“Ah, yeah! I’m gonna- I think I’m gonna stay here a while, hang out with y’all?” Steven posed this as a query, as if he had a choice in the matter, and twisted his fingers in his hair absentmindedly.

“Sounds good, son”, Stan interjected. “Saves Mabel and Dipper from hanging out with that little devilspawn Gideon again this summer. You can come with us on our trip tomorrow, we’re bringing Mabel’s friends too.”

“Yeah, okay, sounds good sir.”

“Yeesh, ya hear that Ford? I’m an authority figure over here, getting respect already! Alright, I like you kid, you can stick around.”

The twins laughed this off, and Steven joined in on the laughter a little late. If he was going to get to the bottom of what was wrong with this town, hanging out with Mabel and Dipper was the only idea he had for this so far.

♦♦♦

Together, Mabel, Dipper and Steven wandered off to hang out or, in Steven’s case, for a little more information. They sat on the flat edge of the roof, legs swinging and burning somewhat in the summer sun. The trees whistled from the wind with a hopeful melancholy; it was quiet and low, but soothed the anxiety that had been settled into Steven’s bones all day. Mabel shoved Dipper with her sharp elbows, an uncharacteristically stern look on her face.

“Hey, I’m sorry for being weird with you earlier. Sometimes this town’s a little messed up.”

“It’s all totally okay!” Steven lied through his teeth with an easy smile on his face. “I’m guessing that’s stuff to do with the tiny guys I saw on the way here?” Anxiously, he hoped his fishing for answers wasn't noticed by either of the twins.

“You met the gnomes! They straight up proposed to me two years ago. Hey, you planning on becoming their queen anytime soon, Steven?” Mabel slapped Steven on the shoulder and leaned in a little closer.

“I think my girlfriend Connie might kill me if I got engaged to gnomes…”

Dipper looked over at Mabel expectantly, predicting a cry of “Another summer romance six feet under before it could even begin!” with a classic bit of melodrama. He loved his sister, but if they had a repeat of the last couple years, he was considering going back to sleeping outside with the wolves.

Fortunately for Dipper’s sleeping patterns and lack of a rabies shot, Mabel reacted with utter excitement.

“Oh my gosh, you _have_ to show me her. I bet she’s so pretty and cool, I mean you’re pretty and cool too!” Steven opened up his phone to the photo of them on the hand of the temple, during one of their more recent ‘jam buds’ sessions.

“You’re so adorable together! And woah, she’s got a sword. That’s sick.”

Dipper narrowed his eyes and muttered to Mabel “I thought you had a crush on him? If I’m not allowed to be ‘weird’”, Dipper raised his hands to create air quotation marks, “by being suspicious of him you definitely can’t be weird by doing one of your crush plots, especially as he’s way too old for you.”

“Firstly, he’s the same age as Wendy, and you were creeping on her bad first Summer, Dipdop. And you were like, a teeny tiny baby back then! Secondly, there is no way I’m breaking him and Connie up, he totally lit up talking about her, it’s super cute! Also girls mature faster than boys and I’ve had a driving license since 2012 so…”

“A Legoland driving license is not ID, Mabel.”

Mabel spoke louder to include Steven, who was scrolling through his pictures on his phone with a lump in his throat. “So we were just talking about our friend Wendy, you’ll love her, she’s the same age as you and goes on all our stupid adventures. She’s coming with us on the trip too! Dipper likes her _especially_.” Mabel found herself grinning delightedly at her own abilities to annoy her brother.

“What stupid adventures?”

Dipper produced a leather notebook from his backpack, embossed with a simple pine tree shape and a star in the centre. Despite his initial misgivings, he found himself explaining page by page the strange happenings of the town, losing his suspicions in favour of being able to take a scholarly role - reminding himself nostalgically of how Great Uncle Ford would talk him through his journal in a similar way.

A triangular shadow darted across the pages.

**BJNO GTTCQWMPE FI**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping to update a little quicker than every fortnight, sorry for the slow chapters. I have no excuse. I procrastinate writing until I feel guilty and then I remember that I actually have fun writing. Also, I'm psyched to add in my boy Bill (I figure that's not really a spoiler if y'all have read the tags or the fic summary lmao) real soon! Thank you again for reading, and since I had the poor sense to tell my best friend that I started writing a fanfiction, if you've read this Ike I will fight you. Hope the rest of you, not Ike, liked it so far!! x


	4. You Don't Have To Be Anybody You Can Never Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has his therapy session.
> 
> Swearing and discussions about depression and anxiety in this chapter.

Steven held a taut smile while Beatrice talked. Look, therapy was great. He had a space to talk about his problems without feeling utterly guilty, and Bea was a really supportive presence. It just still hurt. It always hurt, at least a little.

When she finished her latest bout of kind words, Steven returned to his resolution of honesty.

“Sometimes I have to fix things on my own. I mean, when you’re surrounded by people thinking you’re a freak, or _telling you_ you’re a freak, sometimes everyone else is gonna ignore that anything’s happening. I don’t blame them, because it’s on me to change things. They never signed up for my shit. So it’s gotta be my job to do it. I mean, come on, who else is going to? I fix people, and that’s important, that's where any worth I have to anyone comes from. I can’t stay impartial when there’s so much going on constantly. If I’m not helping then I’m taking part in this constant nightmare, and if I stop helping then what do I do? Maybe I’m only worthwhile if I’m one-dimensional enough to be nice and palatable and do the right thing when no one else wants to deal with the fallout.”

“It sounds like your morals are really important to you, Steven, and that’s something to be proud of. But you are more to people than what you can give to them. Have you been continuing our Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy exercises?”

“Yeah- yeah I am. But sometimes, things that hurt me _are_ the most rational.” Steven let out a weak chuckle, counteracted by the tears growing in his eyes until they coursed out in an ugly, overwhelming amount. “I mean, I was most important when all I could be was a moral compass. And hell, maybe I am broken. Sometimes I’m scared that I can’t love anyone and I’m just clinging on to them so that they’ll give me some sense of worth since I’m really running low on homemade serotonin.” Beatrice looked uncomfortable with Steven lapsing back into blasé language about his mental health. Steven ignored her discomfort. “I can’t become a whole new person when I cultivated who I am just so people will fucking care about me.”

“Steven, it’s understandable that feeling confined in this new town is likely to reignite some harmful thinking. Let’s look at reframing these anxieties. Now, we don’t need to divide these into rational or irrational, but instead _helpful_ or _harmful_ thoughts. Currently you’re seeing yourself as ‘most important as a moral compass’. How else could we restructure your perspective of yourself?”

“I guess maybe...” The tears continued, but at a lessened pace. A portion of Steven’s mind was a million miles away, darting from thought to thought - anything separate from his current circumstances. It was starting to get dimmer, and oh god he had been sobbing on a video call at seventeen years old, and he was still no closer to figuring out that stupid barrier… Steven threw his spirit back into the current therapy session.

“Maybe that there are other parts of me that are as integral as my moral code? Or that I’m still important to myself regardless of how much I give to others?”

Bea’s slight approving look made Steven feel like he’d answered correctly. Internally, he noted the irony of a therapist telling him to consider himself important regardless of others’ reactions to him and him feeling better because of her validation. _‘Congratulations Steven Universe, you received an A* in therapy, good people-pleasing you anxious bastard’_ , he thought with a sort of twisted amusement.

Despite his own often self-deprecating thoughts, the therapy session did help enormously. Having a place where he could be the hurt one, and someone else be the fixer, was an entirely new, unthought-of experience. He left the place feeling calmer, emotions moved on from the red blotches on his face and his still irregular breathing.

The honesty involved in therapy still made Steven jittery (he had been hoping that would lessen in time, but that did not appear to be the case), and thus got out of his car. He grabbed his headphones, found his tape player and newest as-of-yet-not-life-changing cassette, and headed back into the woods.

His hands on the bark of the tree caused a wave of tranquility and focus to wash over Steven. It was just simple, like his whole life had been leading to this minute where he would climb This Specific Tree, and that was all there was to it. There was nothing beyond this minute of solitude. Reaching a sturdy, high-up branch, Steven sat atop it and waited for the birth of a new day in the sunset.

This time yesterday he was with the twins, a time in which he usually felt so small and safe disfigured by that one shimmer that informed him of his imprisonment. This new day was not going to be marred like the previous. His expectations and fears that had leapt and torn at him once died down. It was all leading to this minute, and every second of the future was inconsequential. All that mattered was this minute.

_“You don't have to be a hero to save the world, it doesn't make you a narcissist to love yourself, it feels like nothing is easy, it'll never be. That's alright, let it out, talk to me…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of a shorter chapter! I didn't expect to update next day but I felt like Steven needed some sadness. I really liked SU Future personally, but was kinda weirded out by the abrupt 'everything is happy now he's in therapy and has some independence' from 'Steven has a big sad breakdown' so I kind of want things to still suck, but it's still a happy ending because he wants to have help. Onwards from that happy ending, Steven's still gonna be depressed, and kind of self destructive, because some patterns are hard to break, but that doesn't mean things won't get better. Also I pretty much quoted my old therapist verbatim on her talk on REBT so like shout out to her, she was super cool.
> 
> Brownie points if you can recognise the song I was vibing to at the end there!


	5. New Places, New People, New Problems

“Alright kids, and Ford, for the last time, let’s go! Into the van, we got stuff to do!”

Stan’s enthusiasm had been somewhat curbed by Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland, who, upon hearing the first time he had announced to the group to ‘get in the van’ had cuffed Stan and searched the surrounding area for any pugs obtained under suspicious circumstances. Steven thought that they might have been concerned by Stan’s choice of words as a kidnapping with the presence of him and the other teenagers, but he supposed it at least would make them able to leave sooner. What Blubs and Durland lacked in any competency, they certainly made up for with enthusiasm. The camper van ride was off to a steady start.

Mabel and her friends ignored Steven, Wendy and Dipper in favour of what was apparently a fascinating game of hangman, based on the shrieks and laughter coming from their seats. Wendy leaned over and introduced herself.

“Hey, you’re Steven! Well, I’m Wendy. Mabes has already given me the rundown, you’re on a trip, moved out from home, all the drama. Must be easier than living at home right? I still live with my younger brothers and dad at my place, and it is two seconds away from disaster _constantly_.”

It was hard not to be engaged with what Wendy was saying, where every word made her seem more approachable than the last. It was all about her confidence, Steven thought, jealousy pulling at his insides as he was far too used to. Absolute camaraderie in every word, and she ran her fingers through her short, messily shaved hair casually as she spoke. He realised instantly why she seemed so trustworthy to him - she reminded him so exactly of ‘the Cool Kids’. That aura of certainty that made Steven feel like he was just tagging along as he got older and they started to get their lives together.

It was a knee jerk reaction of pain that he was still conditioning himself not to feel. Visiting Lars last time had been like returning to something old to realise it had grown and become better than he could have possibly imagined. Like finding a well-worn book had somehow grown an untold story overnight, and left him with feelings of familiarity and delight at the new interchangeably entwined. A friendship with Wendy could be the same. Similar, but with new pages to discover.

“Oh tell me about it, there was always _something_ going on at home, and I’d always end up in the middle of it. I lived with the gems and my dad, but we all agreed I needed some independence.”

“The gems?”

 _“Oh fuck”_ , thought Steven. “Yeah, uh- yeah. The gems are my aunts, I used to call them that when I was a kid because their mom named them all after rocks. So I live with Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet. How come you live with just your dad?”

Steven supposed he hadn’t technically lied. There was a lot going on at home, and the gems were somewhat like sisters to Rose. Well, maybe Pearl would be less supportive of the comparison. Turning the conversation to Wendy’s family felt like a distraction from his own… _‘situation’_... but, if he was being completely honest with himself, he was awfully and helplessly eager to hear about a normal family, in a (somewhat) normal town, with normal problems.

“Oh, my mom died when Gus was a baby, so I was eight. It sucked for a while, but everyone in my family is doing pretty good now.”

“My mom died too!” Steven internally cringed at how his tone lifted as he tried to contribute to the conversation. His lack of practise at talking to people his own age felt painfully obvious. He picked at the skin of his arms anxiously, trying to return to a functioning conversation. “It was when I was born though. She used to be a ‘Diamond’ but she changed her name to Rose when she was rebelling against her family.”

“Oh yeah? That’s why I ended up shaving my hair off, bit of teen rebellion of my own. Didn’t exactly work though since my dad said it looked sick. Your mom sounds real cool, Steven.”

Steven smiled dully. The shine always wore thin where Rose was concerned.

♦♦♦

A little later into the journey, it only just hit Steven why this road trip may not have been his brightest idea. The alienating glow that encased this strange place grew closer and closer and, with clear correlation, Steven’s breathing pattern increased. He had not thought this through. What would even happen when they passed the barrier? Would the van refuse to move with Steven inside? Would it act like a wall compressing him, ‘Temple of Doom’ style, as they moved forward?

 _“He had to tell them- he couldn’t- but if he didn’t-”_ Before Steven could come to a decision, the van made a sharp turn left, resulting in laughter from Mabel, Gretchen and Wendy, and anxious protests from Dipper, Candy and Ford. He moved forward to the more severe appearing older man, who was rolling his eyes with such overdramatisation it seemed possible he’d strain a muscle.

“How come we didn’t go straight on?”

“Keen noticing! Well, have you noticed anything particularly interesting about this town?” The man looked intently at Steven, a schoolteacher in the beginning of a lecture on a fond topic.

“I’ve met the gnomes?”

“Precisely! Because of Gravity Falls’ innate strangeness, it keeps oddities in its walls. I’ve researched it extensively, I call it the Natural Law of Weirdness Magnetism. It draws in anything that has come into extreme contact with weirdness, attracts them, and contains them. Unfortunately, because of a… Personal, scientific mishap, I fall into that category. I’ve found ways to temporarily dispel this, but it’s a lot easier just to move our trip to the woods on the other side of the Falls.”

The wind was knocked right out of Steven’s lungs. There was a way to _leave_. He could go visit Connie or see the gems or see his dad and it would all be fine. Being imprisoned made him desperate to go home in a way travelling could not match. He managed a belated “That’s really interesting!” before continuing his own thoughts.

♦♦♦

Once they had set up the tents, the groups split up into factions. Wendy had challenged Stan in a fishing competition, an affront that Stan claimed would be Wendy’s own downfall, and Mabel, Candy and Grenda went to explore the nearby woods. Dipper had once again produced his beaten up, embossed notebook, and was eagerly going through each page with a now-paternal Ford.

If anyone was going to have clues to Steven’s circumstances, it would be the latter pair.

“Room for one more?”

Dipper looked minorly disappointed, having hoped to impress Ford during their trip. He was certain he had grown up significantly since the previous two summers, and wanted Ford to see him as more of a peer than an apprentice. Still, he smiled at Steven. His inherent suspicions had melted away under Mabel’s glare, and left room for trust. This would have been a kind gesture, were it not for the fact that the openness of such a smile made Steven feel apprehensive and guilty for trying to figure out how to leave.

Ford replied with oblivious cheer. “An extra person would be handy, thank you, Steven! We’re going to visit my old rival, he lives nearby. I’m not sure what he’s working on, but since Fiddleford told me the man lives nearby, we do, god help us, have to visit.”

Steven met Dipper’s eyes, both mirroring the other’s look of uncertainty. Neither had much clue to the sort of man who could inspire such a change of tone in Ford, from positive one second to despairing the next.

The trek turned out to be lengthy and not particularly fruitful. Engaged as Steven appeared, his disappointment was mounting with each passing step and with each unhelpful conversation between Dipper and his great uncle. He did learn that these parts were infested with ‘fomorians’, that Dipper had done a great deal of analysis of types of ghosts recently, and that all Ford would say on the man they were to meet is that he was ‘impossible to put into words’, with a foreboding edge. The words grew in Steven’s throat, trying to claw its way to the surface, in order to cry out “What about the barrier? How does it work? How do I _get out of here_?” He pushed it down each time, an inverse Sisyphus of his own design.

At long last, they arrived at the door of the mysterious figure of Ford’s past.

♦♦♦

The house looked like someone had built the Mystery Shack from memory, without any of its endearing elements. It had the general shape, although made of a darker wood, but not the sign, nor the approachable (albeit somewhat decaying and mismatched) exterior, nor the little parts that made it rather homely. It was a building that took itself too seriously, and said, in a tight-lipped manner, that you really ought to take yourself more seriously. The building was judgemental.

The man fitted the house, but gave an altogether different energy. He wore a dark shirt, covered in patterns that, upon closer inspection, showed dark roses, vines and apples, all woven together, and casual white jeans. One might guess he was a cocktail waiter, before the man would make one realise his shirt cost what was quite certainly an extortionate amount. He emanated an aura that you were friends, but it felt pitying. While the house claimed you should be better, the man made you feel that maybe the house was right.

He extended a hand to Dipper, and then, once shaken, to Steven. “Milton Iscariot, pleasure to meet you! Ford, it’s been too long.”

 _“His smile is too wide”_ , Steven thought. After thinking it, he couldn’t quite place why the words had appeared in his head, but he couldn’t dispute it. It felt unnatural.

Ford did not respond in kind. “Milton, how long have you been here? Did you follow me and Fiddleford immediately, or did you steal someone else’s ideas before settling in our neck of the woods?”

“Last I checked, it wasn’t your neck of the woods.”

“If my brother reached half the level of conman you are, his head would be so big he wouldn’t be able to fit through doors.”

“How flattering”, Milton drawled with a grin, like these barbs were simply friendly banter. His cheery politeness felt like a sheath to the blade within. “Would you like to come inside?”

♦♦♦

As it turned out, Milton had attended Backupsmore alongside Ford and McGucket, and neither had forgiven him (nor would McGucket have had he regained more of his memories of his formative years).

Milton Iscariot was, as Ford decried as they walked back to camp-

“An utter charlatan, riding on the coattails of others until he can change it enough to make it his own and make some cash off it. He calls himself a scientist like capitalism is a study unto its own.”

This rant may have continued further, had the three of them not happened upon Mabel and her friends above them, climbing a redwood branch by branch. Ford agreed to go find Stan and Wendy, in order to give the five of them some ‘kid time’.

“Dipper, are you coming up? It’s super easy!”, Mabel called down.

Grenda and Candy chorused their agreement, claiming that “If I can do it, so can you boys!” and “We’ve already nearly fallen off twice and it’s been fine!”, respectively.

A cracking like a strike of thunder answered for them.

The branch Mabel had been cheerily waving from began to fall to the ground, despite seeming so secure just seconds before.

Steven didn’t think. He turned pink. He sped towards the tree, and extended his arms, watching her expression change from gleeful to realisation to fear in slow motion. Time returned to normal, and Mabel dropped like a stone into his arms.

“I guess I'm making a habit of this, huh?” Mabel laughed, with the fear still beneath her words.

Steven smiled supportively at this, and put her down. Her friends climbed down as quickly as possible, while Dipper enveloped her in his arms, anxiety written all over his face at what could have happened. He looked over to Steven. Steven had been on the other side of the tree, he had been further from Mabel than Dipper had. There was no way Steven could have gotten to Mabel in that time, before Dipper.

Grenda and Candy sat Mabel down and tried to make her feel more comfortable.

Grenda started to grin, to get Mabel’s spirits up. “You did get picked up by a hot boy already this summer.”

“Grenda! He has a girlfriend!”

“Doesn’t stop him being cute.” Candy picked up on the change of energy, and the conversation soon turned to whispered giggles again.

The branch remained lying on the ground. It was neither split, nor deadened. It wasn’t cracked as would be expected, but instead, quite flat on the end it had snapped, as if a saw had been neatly taken to it. The moss and mushrooms grew suddenly, and pushed the branch into the dirt, never to be seen again.

**MJNWSS JPL RD**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall... 925 hits? That's so cool! This is my first fanfiction, so I'm so psyched whenever I get a notification for kudos or comments, thank you for reading this! I've got the next chapter nearly done, plan is to finish it tomorrow and then post it. So if I disappear for a fortnight u know to shame me for being a dumbass,,,, Thank u again! :) x


	6. An Equal Failing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven meets someone unexpected.
> 
> Themes of depression/self-destructive thoughts.

"And then we met this shady guy who lives in the woods, Ford acts like he's straight up his nemesis!" Steven chuckled. "It's nice to see someone have a nemesis for a reason that isn't like 'hey, you tried to conquer my planet and end my species, that's not super cool', y'know?"

Connie grinned back. "Yeah, like 'I didn't vibe with you committing war crimes' style nemesis gets boring after a while, huh? I haven't seen you settled in a place like this for a while Steven! Hope I can visit you soon?" 

His smile froze for a second. He had told Connie almost everything - except how he was trapped. His hands started moving without thinking, clutching at his wrist, tugging and pinching at the skin. He couldn't guarantee Connie didn't count as someone who had 'extreme contact with weirdness', as Ford had said. If he couldn't guarantee Connie would be safe, how would anything be different to Beach City?

Connie's expression of cheerful adoration turned to concern in a heartbeat. 

"Hey Steven, it's okay. This is your time, and it's okay to have your space for it. I'll see you when I see you, but I'm glad you can just do you. You take care of everyone, I'm so _proud_ of you for taking care of _you_! Everything else can wait, as long as you're safe and okay. I love you, Steven."

Steven smiled back, his anxious movements lessening.

"I love you too."

♦♦♦

Dipper bit down viciously on his ink pen, his brain on overdrive thinking over the possibilities of what he had seen.

**_Steven Universe_ **

**_Danger level: Unknown_ **

_‘Steven’ appeared out of nowhere, and does not seem to want to leave. Is this a preference, or a restriction? Further surveillance has shown him capable of appearing at will when Mabel was endangered, showing a possibility of teleportation powers._

_He has revealed little about himself, claiming to live with his aunts whom he refers to as ‘the gems’ on account of their names (Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet). However, his intentions appear unclear, presenting himself as a teenager travelling. What could be his true purpose in Gravity Falls? He could be another creature not necessarily antagonistic, similar to the Gnomes (see page 714), or telling the truth._

_Alternatively, his lack of clear backstory and ability to seemingly appear at will could present him as a greater threat. His ‘saving’ of Mabel could be manipulation. Moreover, Bill referred to himself as a demon - how many more of this demonic race is there? I plan on continuing to watch ‘Steven Universe’ (a similarly strange name when compared to ‘Bill Cipher’) and further discuss his actions and capabilities._

♦♦♦

With Connie’s sweet words still enveloping his thoughts, Steven drifted into a peaceful sleep, the first time he had been able to sleep before 4am since he left. 

His feet swept at pink clouds - soft, formless. Steven found himself back in his mother’s room, much to his own confusion. The colour felt as sickly sweet as ever, with its hopeful falsities, and the nostalgia of it distracted Steven from the faint yellow glow behind him. 

“Well would ya look at that? Seems like the mindscape’s back in business, huh kid?”, an unfamiliar voice called to Steven.

Steven craned around, thinking in vain of who else could have access to his mother’s room. The Crystal Gems? The Diamonds? Or something new? Steven grabbed his wrist anxiously, following Connie’s advice as best as he could. He could make a difference, as long as he made sure he was safe. He had to make sure he was safe, or he could ruin everything all over again. He could destroy everything just when people were starting to trust him again. He had to make sure he didn’t lose it all... _No_. He just had to make sure he was safe. The rest could wait.

“Who are you? Why- why are you here?”

From just out the corner of Steven’s eye, a triangular figure appeared. “Who am I? Gee, and there I was thinking I was something of a local legend! Way to wreck my ego, Diamond! The name’s Bill, something of a bigshot in this little old town, but they’re less than fond of talking about such matters. Especially Pine Tree, he’s ‘moved on’. And as for the why, it’s all thanks to you. I’ve missed this!”

The triangle loomed about him, a singular eye fixated on his every movement, his every anxious twitch. Steven felt his breath disappear. It was his fault, he’d done it again. He’d tried so hard with this fresh start, and it was over before it had begun. He hadn’t felt this panicked for a while; if he could just stop _shaking_ he might have a chance to calm himself down. Trying to ground himself, Steven spoke confidently, embodying the certainty he once had. “I’m not a diamond, and I didn’t ask you to come here.”

“Ah but ya did, kiddo! Since my tragically short time up here, I’ve been trapped in my own mindscape, a copy of a place I’d been with a pal, I guess you could say. Imagine an endless field, and all ya got to spice things up is a couple of pieces of garbage. I catch glimpses of the world, but it’s nothing much. It ain’t been a thriller of a time. So when your door came up, I couldn’t resist! Let me guess, you’re a Dreamscaper too huh?”

“I’m not, I’m just a kid. I don’t want this, okay? So whatever you want, I’m not listening, and you’ve got no reason to stay. Go back to your damn field, Bill.”

“Ouch, harsh words! But I’ve got no reason to leave either, so hear me out. You can’t leave this town, right? Gravity Falls has got something of a pull for freaks, and doesn’t let go. I can help you; hell, consider me something of a Muse. But we gotta have a quid quo pro, you understand? I help you leave, get on with being ‘just a kid’, and you help me leave. Seems like a fair enough deal to me.”

Steven felt the blood on his chin before it even registered, having chewed through his lip all the while Bill had been monologuing. Bill was right about one thing, this wasn’t the place for Steven. If he could just leave, he could see Connie in person and hold her. To have that joyful half smile, when he knew he’d earned it because she just couldn’t keep the smirk from bursting out. The shining heart and soul in her dancing that was so exceptionally Connie - just thinking about it sent a burst of pain to Steven’s chest with longing. He might have left in order to find himself, but when he was no closer to the discovery feeling so trapped just made him miss home. Was it so bad to help out this strange being for her sake, to see her again?

Steven’s mind lingered guiltily on that thought. “And the Pines’? They’ve been there for me, and if ‘Pine Tree’ has something to do with them, I don’t wanna make any more mistakes. I bet they’d know whether to help you out or not.”

“You think they’re gonna trust you if they know you’ve talked with me? Hell, you think they trust you now? They’d have told you about me by now if they even remotely trusted you. I told you I was a bigshot here. Yeah, Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but even Shooting Star hasn’t said a word. What do you plan on telling them about me? ‘Gee folks, I’m awful glad you let me stay, and I hope you don’t mind that I’m a monster and let your ex-boogeyman straight through the front door’?”

The word ‘monster’ rang across the room, sending Steven back to three months ago. “You hurt people. You shattered Jasper. You destroyed so much, just because you couldn’t keep yourself together. To try so hard, just to fail. You’re a monster. You’ve always been a monster.” The voice reminding him sounded less like Bill’s and more like his own with every passing second. It needed to stop. He was getting help. Connie promised him things would change. 

A glowing pink tint coated his body, and, despite his best efforts, his emotions were so tangible that Bill’s eye flickered in amusement.

“I’m not a monster.” The nearby clouds arched, forming a makeshift trench around Steven’s feet. 

“You sure, Diamond? Since this is your mindscape and all, I seem to recall a thing or two to the contrary. You never hurt anyone you cared about? You never enjoyed hurting them?”

Bill waved a hand and the clouds reformed into something familiar. A taut smile on its face, as if painted on like a jester, dwarfing Steven in its height and how it stood - rigid, seemingly secure. And the words it spoke had never left his mind. 

“Maybe I’ve had a not-so-nice thought or two about, like, you know, slamming White Diamond’s head through a pillar...” The words scratched like a record before looping back round. 

Steven's body shook at the sight, and he clung to his arms, scratching and picking at the skin until blood began to blossom up. God, because being reminded of the pain he had caused, the pain he had so strongly wanted to cause, was _exactly_ what he needed right now. His nails left bloodied crescent indentations in his biceps.

“ _STOP IT_. That wasn’t me, I didn’t want to hurt her, I was just feeling so fucking destructive. I needed to break something and you’ve got to understand, it couldn’t be me. God I wanted it to be me and it should’ve but I couldn’t deal with messing that up too. What if I couldn’t be shattered? Then I’d just be left with everyone knowing how broken I am. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. I was trying to do the right thing, I always tried to do the right thing. I’m so goddamn tired of fucking everything up and still being the one to pick up the pieces.”

Suddenly, Bill didn’t seem so momentous. His form shrunk, hovering above Steven with an almost understanding presence. Like an old friend, where the words were just placeholders for the trust that was already there. 

“Relax kid. Being destructive is good, sometimes you gotta let that anger out, and the consequences are worth it. I’ll teach you about it sometime, if you stay in touch. But for now, consider my offer, alright? I’m the only one that can help you get out of here. I mean, we can make it right, we can make it better. I know you can, if I just gave you a little push. Think on it.”

Bill seeped out of the dream world, the only sign that he’d ever been there written on Past-Steven’s face. His pupils stayed diamonds, but with a luminescent yellow encasing them, accompanied by a shit-eating grin. 

The last thing Steven saw before flowing into consciousness was Past-Steven transform himself into Pink Diamond. And, just as before, seeing his mother in this room clawed at his insides with rejection and loneliness. But this time, rather than just acknowledging the pain, it was up to him to figure out who he was, and how he was going to deal with his own problems.

**SUGYIS RVANS EDHGI**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter I started writing for these fanfic before I went back and tried to flesh it out a little! I'm so stoked for Bill to pop up more, so expect to see more of him.... Thanks for reading again yall!! x


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